My Love, My Heart

Or, “How I Became Engaged to a Man Twice My Age.”

After I posted my journals blog last night I sat on my bed reading two of my journals in particular. I was reading the months leading up to and my budding relationship with Kit.

Although the writing was Nobel worthy it still made me laugh, blush and tear up as I read my memories from four years ago.

At the time I was in a relationship that I was not happy with, I dated this guy because I was denying the possibility of dating my (at the time) supervisor. Every entry reflected my unhappiness with my boyfriend and the joy that I had when I was with Kit. Even sitting at work on a rainy day it was perfect.

One entry made me chuckle. I’ll summarize:

I was at work and my boyfriend called me to wish me a good day and ask if I wanted to hang out after work. At the end of the phone call he said, “I love you,” to which I replied, “I know, bye.” Heartless…I know.

When I hung up Kit asked if he said he loved me and why I replied that way. I told Kit that I didn’t want to lie to my boyfriend, we had talked about it and I had told him that I didn’t feel the same way. Kit said that was probably the meanest thing a guy could hear from his girl. He also asked, why date him then?

At this point in our friendship, Kit and I had been saying “I love you” as a platonic exchange for several months.

We denied our feelings for each other for a long, long time. My journals reflect how often I stressed over this. I often wrote how doomed our relationship would be because of our society’s lack of acceptance for it.

Yes, for about six months we had to break everyone in to our new relationship.
When our relationship was still secret we had this exchange at work:

I had to stand in as a model for photos. Not because of me, they were trying to get the lighting just right for a family shot. I stood there, in a grumpy mood, on a balcony.

I escaped being in the pictures but I did stand around they were testing the quality of the light for a picture. So I was standing upstairs at the banister, the photographer flitted away to talk to the family. I mumbled, “If you guys don’t need me, I’m going to go back and drink my coffee.”

Kit looked up at me from the lower floor and replied, “I need you.” I laughed at his joke. Then he said, “I always need you,” and I heard his voice change.

It made me smile like a Cheshire cat. After that the photographer was looking for Kit and the moment was gone. For five seconds we were alone in a building full of people and just had a tunnel vision scope on each other.

Every second of your love that I have experienced has been worth all the hard moments.
Four years and counting. I love you, Kit.

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